Can I date my roommate's ex?
Is It Ever OK to Date a Friend's Ex?
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Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend dating roommates ex that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules. What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities.
If you're gay, you will almost inevitably date a friend's ex at some point. Queer communities are often small and insular, and once you've found one, you tend to hold on to it for dear life. It's difficult to meet people you're romantically interested in beyond an already-defined circle, dating roommates ex outside of your city's queer scene, most people you run into are likely to be straight.
Even if you meet someone to whom you think you have no previous connection, a minute conversation almost always reveals that she dating roommates ex to high school with your college roommate, used to be on a volleyball team with that girl from your book club, and had a six-month stand with your favorite barista. Queers don't tend to expect our dates to come into our lives completely free of prior complication. We know our backstories will be tangled and intertwined. I dating roommates ex count the degrees of hookup separation between my closest friends and myself, and usually come up with no more than two or three.
In fact, when we met, my now-partner was on a date with my best friend. They dated casually for a few weeks before they split up and we got together, and three years later the same friend gave one of the readings at our wedding. Whether you're gay, straight, bi, or not into labels, dating a friend's ex can absolutely be done without sacrificing your friendship — you just have to follow a few simple guidelines.
It's common to assume that anything shared with you is by default shared with your partner as well; however, your friend might dating roommates ex much less comfortable speaking to you in confidence if she thought the details of dating roommates ex personal life were going to be relayed to someone who used to share her toothbrush. I'm going to use female pronouns for your dating roommates ex, and male pronouns for your sweetie, for the sake of simplicity; however, every rule here applies no matter the genders of the participants.
Keep your friend's secrets. The reverse is also true; no matter how much you love discussing your dude with your besties, his ex can probably live without hearing the details of his current sex life. Save it for your diary or for anyone who didn't date him. It's OK to come to your partner for advice if you're arguing with your friend, or vice versa, but absolutely resist the urge to belittle or insult one of them to the dating roommates ex.
This can be extremely tempting if they ended on dating roommates ex terms and you know you'll find a sympathetic ear. However, in order to maintain a healthy relationship with both of them, it's crucial that you never seem even a little like you're taking sides in their breakup or casting either one as the bad guy, even months or years after the fact. If you need to vent about one of them, find a neutral party.
Respect boundaries without making assumptions. For instance, if your friend doesn't want to go to parties where her ex will be in attendance, don't pressure her. But don't assume she doesn't want an invite if you haven't asked! In general, allow your friend and your sweetheart to decide how much contact they want with each other, and don't push them to associate if they're not into it. Remember that you can love them both without them necessarily having to enjoy each other.
This goes for friends and partners who haven't dated, too, now that I think of it. Set aside time for each of them and honor it — don't drag your lover dating roommates ex on girls' night out not even if your lover is a lady; queer chicks are so bad about thisand don't invite your friend to what was supposed to be a romantic dinner at home. Don't do dating roommates ex ever, but especially not if his last girlfriend is the person you're going rock climbing with Sunday.
No matter what his answer is, it's going to make things weird. Besides, comparing yourself to anybody — even if you come out ahead — is always going to lead to feeling crappy, because basing your self-esteem on where you stand relative to someone else is Not Healthy. So don't seek out comparisons, and if your dude brings up the topic, tell him you're not interested in hearing it.
You and your friend are not in competition, except when you're actually playing Scrabble. Don't try to keep your boyfriend and your bud from associating because you're afraid they still have feelings for each other, and don't constantly seek reassurance that that's not the case. Trust that your dude is with you because he likes you and you're awesome, not because he's biding his time until your friend takes him back.
Trust that your friend is happy you've found someone you dig, not plotting to sabotage your love. And don't ever use jealousy or over their past relationship to excuse irrational or controlling behavior on your part. Of course, if your sweetie gives you a see me piss austin and ally dating reason to believe he's untrustworthy, get out of there stat, but if there's really nothing wrong, don't create problems where none exist.
Don't pry into their relationship. It may be tempting ask your friend to analyze what happened between the two of them so that you can dating roommates ex making the same mistakes, but resist that urge. Likewise, don't grill your boyfriend on what went wrong or insist that he account for his behavior throughout the entire time they dated. Their relationship is between them; it's not your cautionary tale or your soap opera. If dating roommates ex choose to share details with you, that's fine — you don't need to stick your fingers in your ears, unless an overt comparison dating roommates ex being made dating roommates ex No.
Your relationship and theirs are separate things, and dating roommates ex don't need to know anything they don't care dating roommates ex tell you. Recognize that some exes really are off-limits.
Is it okay to date my ex’s roommate?
Can You Date A Friend's Ex?
7 Crucial Rules for Dating Your Friend's Ex
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