Why is dating so difficult these days

Why is dating so difficult these days

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Welcome back to The Attraction Doctor. Last week, I discussed why women can't find a "good" man here. In that article, I explained my hypothesis that women are stuck in a double-bind between what they are told through modern social norms and their own biological motivation. This week, I will discuss how that double-bind for women may have resulted in a double-bind for men as well.

Today, men are given confusing and contradictory advice. Socially, they are expected to be "compliant" i. However, they are also urged by women's sexual interest to maintain an "attractive personality " i. Unfortunately, men sometimes report dayd attempting to balance these notions does not result in satisfaction, happinessor women's appreciation and difficukt. The men that Wh speak with and who commented on why is dating so difficult these days last post lament about being in a "no win situation" in modern dating.

If they follow what society tells them to do, they often end up "good guys" who are taken advantage of, mistreated, and disrespected. In contrast, if they follow more "assertive" biological imperatives, they are labeled "jerks" and "players"—who may get sexual gratification, but not love or respect from what they would consider best online dating sites "good woman".

Overall, they report that there is often little incentive for men to date and even less for them to consider long-term commitments. In a previous article, I put forward the notion that individuals were not "afraid" to date—rather why is dating so difficult these days simply did not have sufficient incentive to do so see here. We are all motivated to seek out rewards and avoid punishments Skinner, When rewards outweigh punishmentpeople perform behaviors. When punishments weight more heavily, people avoid those same behaviors.

Essentially, many men report that they find modern dating a primarily punishing affair. Changing social norms has allowed few avenues by which they can be both acceptable as a relationship partner and attractive as a sex partner. As a result, at least half of their needs are unfulfilled, regardless of the decision they make. If men choose to follow social norms and become compliant as "good guys", they wwhy get a "relationship partner".

However, due to women's social vs. These men may further be regarded as "just friends"—expected to pay for all of the costs of a relationship, without difcicult physical and intimate benefits see here. In contrast, if men shun social pressures to be "nice" and follow what is biologically attractive, they have a higher likelihood of getting "sex partners". However, these men are often punished by being socially labeled as "jerks", "players", or even "creeps", unfit for socially-defined why is dating so difficult these days.

Therefore, these men may get sex, but they often do not get love and respect. Overall, men in either case report also having a difficult time finding what they label "attractive" women for longer-term relationships. Men often define these women along evolutionary psychology lines—women who are sexually-selective, faithful, physically attractive, and have a pleasant, respectful disposition for more on these qualities, see Buss, and my own articles here and here. Unfortunately, these qualities are again part of women's double bind, with social norms sometimes guiding them away from these biologically feminine characteristics.

So, until a new equilibrium datijg reached in these evolving social norms, men have difficult choices to make. Essentially, they seem to have to either appease social norms for relationships and acceptance or evolved standards of difficu,t and get sexual fulfillment. Furthermore, they do so in a situation where women's own social instruction may reduce the very characteristics that many of these men desire.

Given that, many men sit on the couch, plug in a video game, and opt out—just as Behaviorism and Skinner might predict. Men have adapted and devised a number of strategies to make the best of these difficult options, including the following:. These are the guys who are often labeled "players", "macks", and "pick-up artists". With this strategy, men are often able to fulfill their short-term sexual needs—especially within the modern, socially-sanctioned climate of "hook-ups" and causal encounters.

In fact, many of these men are former virgins and "nice guys" who previously could not get their physical needs addressed. Many of these tactics, however, primarily attract women who are focused on short-term flings with attractive men see here. Therefore, the relationship needs of the men using this strategy may be less fulfilled in the long run. These men often find relationships more easily. However, men who follow this strategy should pick their partner carefully.

Men successful with this strategy attempt to find an honest and faithful eo, who respects their needs, and is grateful for their contributions for more, see herehereand why is dating so difficult these days. Again thsee, men pursuing this strategy also report the need to stay vigilant for their partner's waning attraction, signs of cheating, and being taken for granted much as women in "traditional" relationships do. With divorce a very real and punishing possibility, these men may also choose to think carefully before committing.

They invest in their own attractiveness, value, and success. They also treat partners equitably according to their behavior, worth, and contributions to the relationship. These men further qualify and screen partners well, not selling themselves short for less than they deserve. This approach takes constant effort though—both in the why is dating so difficult these days maintaining his own standards, and in his motivating and inspiring others to do so too.

It also requires patience in searching for someone who can live up to those desired standards. However, these efforts are often met with a partner who is attracted to them, respectful, and attractive for them too. For more on that approach see hereherehereand here. This why is dating so difficult these days sometimes known as the "men going their own way" MGTOW movement. Essentially, thse are the guys who have been frustrated and punished to the point that they see no further incentive to relate.

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